So, I
have been away for quite some time now, I know. My sincere apologies for that.
Actually, I have been away for some quality time on my own. The objective was
to find myself. Well… I am still searching for myself, just trying out some
other interests and see which one sparkles the most. I literally meant that.
Not gonna say I’ve done enough, but I have done a lot…and there are still more
to come. Despite all that I have tried, I haven’t found any that I could
consider my own specialty yet. They say in order to find your passion, you
gotta know yourself first. So, that is my ultimate mission.
I guess the ‘discovering-myself’ mission started off after my SPM examinations ended, I mean, shouldn’t everyone be doing the same at that time? Or am I the only one who’s a bit late in finding myself? Or maybe not because I have started to think about what I wanted to do much before my PMR days, but I started to think about it more critically after SPM (because I pretty much screwed it). In other words, SPM was my turning point of life. It smacked me in the head and punched me in the stomach. Hard. Real hard.
A couple of years ago, I was going through depression, and was pretty much stressed out. It drained me out almost completely. I was having insomnia (either I sleep too much or just couldn’t get a proper sleep at all; waking up to almost every hour at night). Although I am not very sure of exactly why I was so depressed, maybe it was because I was so upset and disappointed with myself, feeling insecure and lonely (even when there are people around me) at most times. Oh, trust me, it’s not a good feeling. Together with academic stress, over-thinking seemed to add up the stress. Suicidal thoughts, self-torture, etc. You name it and I’ve had it all. I just didn’t quite have the guts to cut as I still believe it is a sin. I guess, this part, Islam saved me. I’d say, thank you and Alhamdulillah, I’m recovering.
Honestly, back then I thought I was Vincent van Gogh, but the less talented and non-famous version of him.
“How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set
them free,
They did not listen,
They did not know
how,
Perhaps they’ll listen now”
These words hit the bottom of me, like a choo-choo train, right through
my heart. For some reason, the song ‘Vincent’ got stuck in my head during those
days. It became my lullaby. I have to admit that I do take lyrics a little bit
too seriously sometimes, only because I was taught to appreciate everything. Some
songs actually give me the chance to experience some emotions through just the
melodies and sometimes solely the lyrics is enough. It was one of the ways that
I used to check if I still have any emotions left in me. So, analysing lyrics
is very crucial for me. Lyrics are literature and I like literature. So that pretty
much sums it up, right?I’ve tried being with some bunch of people with different talents and personalities, with the thought that I should be able to learn something from them. I sort of always had this kind of thinking, “Everyone in your life has his or her own purposes. They have something that you can learn from”. So, I live by that because as mentioned in the Quran, “Say: ‘Nothing will happen to us except what God has decreed for us; He is our protector’ and on God let the believers put their trust” [QS At-Taubah 9:51] and “He knows what is before them and what is behind them, And to Allah are all affairs turned back” [QS Al-Hajj 22:76]. Everything happens for a reason. Allah knows best.
But of course, I’m a human and I tend to forget, a lot.
I’ve lost myself a couple of times too, often in making choices in life but I don’t want to regret my decisions. Although the pain may grow as the memories flash, I try my best to learn and accept it the way it is because it has already happened. There’s not much to do unless we turn back time, which we cannot do in reality. So, let bygone be bygone. Cherish every moment that you have and make the best out of it. I do complain sometimes, but it is always better to complain in our prayers, as the Almighty knows best for us, He is the Best listener and the Healer. Slowly, changes happen and then voila! You survived. I survived. We survived.
During the transformation, I didn’t realize I’ve changed along with the situation until someone pointed it out. Like what the therapists always say “Learn to let go, only then you will be fine”. You don’t have to sing the whole Frozen OST, but if that helps you to get the negativities out of your mind, then do it. These bad thoughts won’t let me go until I tried to get rid of them because it’s my mind, I should be controlling it. So I let go some of the negativities that bundled up in my mind. I realized that it wasn’t worth thinking about anyway and it shouldn’t bother me in the first place, but I let it happen. Those negativities corrupted my mind and controlled me for the past few years, now they are gone. Of course, the new ones would come. Only then I know, it’s a cycle that will happen throughout my life. Life is a test. This is a part of the test.
Before getting into college, I’ve set my mind to become as optimistic as I could and become better than who I was before. When I got into college, I’ve met some new people with rather different ways of thinking. I bonded with them, observed and learnt a couple of things here and there by watching and some, by asking (can you believe that? I actually asked people. I usually don’t do that face-to-face). They are so much different from the people that I’m used to be around with. The feeling was very rare and abnormal as I’ve never experienced it before. I noticed that I laugh and smile more sincerely too. I am not a person to be very vocal about my problems and opinions, I was too shy to speak up. In fact, I still don’t prefer talking as much but the fear and shyness are slowly fading away. I can sense that I am turning into someone better. When I am here, it feels like it is okay to speak up. They encouraged me to be more open and to talk more, so I did without any hesitance, on most parts. It gave me the opportunity to see the world from a different perspective, and I grabbed it. It was an opportunity to make the change I have been waiting for which is to take control of myself and be a better human being. A better Ain. A better daughter. A better Muslimah. (The repeated ‘Better-00’ is constantly written on my birthday cards, back then I thought it’s very cliché but, I grew to like it now and decided to write it here too. Thanks mom and dad).
I learnt a few things. We tend to take people and opportunities for granted. Life there was an opportunity, a good one too. Made me question a lot of things. Most of it, “why is life now so different than before? Where did I go wrong? Or was it the environment? But if it’s changing, I must be doing something right, right?” If our thoughts are shown on our face, there would be a million of scribbling words written all over it.
And, no. I did not turn into a saint or non-whatsoever. I would not say this is the new me because I barely know myself that well. For those who said I’ve changed, here’s my reply; thank you for telling me that. It gave me an idea of what I did differently back then and how it changes my life (sort of). I did change on some parts but not much of who I really am, I am still the same ol’ me. When you think about it, you don’t quite know those who you claim to know unless they have been truly honest with you and you live with them 24/7. Try to accept the transformation. Everyone changes anyway, what makes the changes different is whether it is a good or a bad change. It is okay and good to transform yourself, hopefully into someone better because we do not want to be on the same spot every day. We gotta make a move! Keep moving forward, right? (Meet the Robinsons reference, aha). So, with all that, I am who I am right now. I still get up every day to fight for myself and try to be better than the day before. It was a break that showed me the beginning of the real life. I realized that I needed that break.
Yeah, it is a long post and boy, ain’t it a serious one too? Read at your own risk! I don’t know how to make it more interesting, sorry if I disappoint you. Oh well, thanks for reading it until the very last sentence. Have a good day! Assalamualaikum (it means peace be upon you, fyi).
